


find it in your heart

by fiveyaaas



Series: open your heart [5]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Insomnia, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting, Suicidal Thoughts, Tragically Pining Idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-12 08:21:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29257356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveyaaas/pseuds/fiveyaaas
Summary: “find it in one’s heart”: to bring oneself to do something (such as forgive another person) that is emotionally difficult”
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves
Series: open your heart [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2138898
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	find it in your heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ellaphunt19](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellaphunt19/gifts).



> Just a quick warning for panic attacks, (implied) suicidal ideation, and PTSD. None of it is discussed too graphically, but I wanted to make sure to warn readers before they read!!!

Their guilt built a wall between them. 

It was something that neither of them ever tried to acknowledge, knowing that it would be painful for them both. Really, the fact that it was so painful was why they _should_ acknowledge it. Maybe if they got through that pain, they could finally be happy. Then again, they were currently living 2006 again, having been transported to their teenage bodies three years ago when Five had taken them back. She didn’t think it was that simple to talk to him when looking at her reminded him that he’d fucked up in saving them all. 

Vanya didn’t think it was the worst case scenario, though, and she often wanted to tell him that it didn’t bother her at all, that they got to actually grow up with one another this time around. It felt damn near impossible, though. The only times they ever really interacted these days were during meals or during the times he trained her, taking her out of the house for a couple hours at a time in the dead of the night every three days. 

She watched him while he trained her now, studying his features, the furrow of his brows and the clenching of his jaw. “Are you okay?”

“Hmm?” He glanced up, and she realized he’d been zoning out for a bit. “Oh, yeah, I’m fine.”

“Was the mission earlier really awful?”

Five snorted. “Not any worse than what I did for the Commission.”

“Oh,” she glanced down, feeling like she might start crying at any second. “Five, I’m really sorry, that you—”

“Focus, Vanya.” The force field she’d erected was starting to fall apart, and he clearly noticed it slipping, based on the slight pursing of his lips. “Just a little bit more time, V, and then we can go home.”

“I don’t want to go back home.”

He shot her a bemused look, and the force field fell completely. After nearly three minutes of silence, he asked, “What’s wrong?” 

“I haven’t been sleeping well.”

Five grabbed her hand, kneeling down with her on the ground, chilly from the brisk February air. She leaned against his side, not thinking about the action until he made a bewildered little grunt. When he wrapped an arm around her, she cuddled up to his chest. “Why haven’t you been sleeping well?”

“It’s hard to,” she mumbled. “For one thing, without the pills, it’s just… _impossible._ And every time I close my eyes, I see Allison’s bloody neck or L—” Her breaths started becoming pants, and then Five was murmuring gently to her, dragging his fingers along her scalp. 

“I know it’s hard,” he promised, settling her head against his thigh, continuing to stroke her hair. She shivered, and he set his jacket over her like a blanket, tears flowing freely down her cheeks. “If you really need to leave,” Five said, voice gentle in a way that felt unfamiliar. It made her wonder if he was convinced she would cause the end of the world if he wasn’t careful enough with her. “There are a few places that I could take you, to keep you safe with me. I’d have to figure out some false identities, maybe get some documents and figure out how to empty my old bank account… Probably would take about a few weeks, if I worked at it. You don’t have to be here if you think it’s only going to make everything worse.”

“Yeah, and I’m sure the others would really love to leave and have Reginald trying to follow after them.”

“I’d have to talk to them,” he mused. “If they didn’t want to go, I wouldn’t force them. However, if all of them wanted to leave, I’d probably have to kill him.”

She blinked. _“Kill_ him?”

“He died easily enough in the last timeline,” he quipped, voice hard. “And I don’t intend for him to live forever in this one. The only reason I haven’t done anything so far is because it would be a pain in the ass to deal with our…” He gestured to his body. “We could pass for eighteen now, though, if we really wanted to, and I’m thinking that’s what we’d do. Just say what you want, V, and I’ll give it to you.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“Do you want me to?” His voice held an edge, and she was certain they were about to explode on one another. 

“I’ve already ruined your life.” 

There, she said it, and what they’d both been thinking for the past three years was finally acknowledged.

His voice was strangled, like he was choking on the single word, when he spoke again, “What?”

She shook her head. “You don’t have to pretend to not hate me, Five. I ruined your life, and I’m sorry for that. We’ll never—”

“What do you mean _you_ ruined _my_ life?”

“I caused the apocalypse.” She wasn’t sure if he was trying to get her to say these words as some way of punishing her, making her admit all the things she’d done, like they hadn’t been flitting through her mind for the past three years. It wasn’t a very apt punishment, considering she wished for something much worse. Every day, she wanted to ask him to just—

“I made you suffer,” she added, not letting her thoughts drift back to that, remembering that she’d managed nearly a year without spending every waking hour thinking that way. “I kept you from ever living a real life with someone.”

“Are you not real?”

“What?”

“You’re right here, standing in front of me. We’re growing each year, though I’ll admit it’s not the way I’d imagined.”

“What is _that_ supposed to mean?” What he was doing was cruel in a way that she didn’t think him capable. Suggesting that he was—

She felt like she might pass out. 

“Why would you ever try to say that?” Her hands were shaking, and he grasped them. “You don’t, you don’t—”

Despite the fact that she could do little more than stammer, he figured out what she was trying to say, regardless. “Of course I mean it. Why the fuck would I lie about that?”

When she didn’t answer, he sighed, loudly, before softening his voice again. “Tell me when you’re ready to leave. Anything you need, tell me.”

It was just that she was upset, had already embarrassed herself tonight, but she asked, “Would you stay with me tonight?”

Cautiously, he questioned, “What do you mean by that?”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to sleep if I keep sleeping alone.”

“Okay.”

She raised her brows, and he clarified, “Yes, I can do that. Do you want to go home now?” He seemed anxious all of a sudden to leave, and she realized that it had begun to rain on them at some point. 

“We can. What about training?”

Five frowned. “You’ve done enough today. It’s not good to overwork yourself.”

“Didn’t you plan on a little bit longer?”

“That was before I realized how upset you were.”

There was a brusqueness to his tone, and she wondered again if he was mad at her. Best just to ask. “Are you mad at me?”

“No? Why do you keep assuming I’m mad at you?” He sounded genuinely curious, like he wanted to change whatever he’d done to make her think that. 

It propelled her to explain. “Why _wouldn’t_ you be mad?”

He had been gathering up energy, but he paused now, raising a brow. “Vanya, can you do something for me?”

“Anything.” And she meant it. If there was some way to make his life easier after she’d ruined it so thoroughly—

“Please at least _try_ to forgive yourself.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!!!


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